The Path to Good Relationships is Paved with Hills, Valleys, and Mountain Tops

I tweeted this tonight.   Twitter @docsabia

I was on Twitter earlier and tweeted about something I love- relationships!  I had just finished reading and retweeting some excellent tweets on the subject when I ended my retweet session with my own tweet about what one has to do to make a good relationship: 

1. Communicate Authentically 
2. Be Kind to each other 
3. Take Action towards a common goal. 

These three steps are amazing at creating the kind of good relationships that you want in your life (and that I insist on having in mine).  The thing is, while it's just three key steps, us humans have trouble doing the simplest things, especially when it comes to our hearts!  

Because, really if we were heart-centered 100% of the time I promise you we would be doing these three steps without a problem, there would be no divorce, no war, no poverty, etc- wait am I getting ahead of myself?  

Ok, let's go back to you.  

To make these steps successful in your relationship requires:

• listening to your deep down desires
• caring deeply about someone else's deep down desires
• moving together towards a shared deep down desire 

We, actually suck a lot of the time at these three things! 

We either get lost in "me, me, me", "you, you, you" or "we, we, we" instead of what I call, thinking Me and We!

Some of what the underlying tension in relationships, be it platonic, familial, or romantic, is the wrestling with:

• How do I honor my deepest desires?
• How do I honor their deepest desires?
• How do I do both of these things?

                          OR

• How do I get what I want?
• How do I help him/her get what she wants? 
• How do I do both of these things?

picture credit: Razzle Dazzle

We really are selfish, inpatient, and "a little insecure", right?  And being this way is both the blessing and the curse of healthy (what I call "good") relationships!

It is similar to the expression, the thing that attracted them to each other is the very thing that is tearing them apart!  

The notion that good relationships don't have rough patches is a myth.  Good relationships can sustain the worst events and be better for it.  The idea is, that the relationship shouldn't be about the fighting, but about the growing together and building. 

You can't get to the mountain top without the journey through the hills and valleys.  

So, how do I  get what I want in this relationship?

Know what you want.  Share this with this person.  Be proactive- keep sharing and taking action towards what you want.  This is kindness (self-love) towards you.

How do I help a partner, friend, family member, spouse get what they want? 

Know what they want.  Be open to listening to this person.  Be proactive in actively listening and taking action towards what this person wants.  This is kindness (care and compassion) towards others.

NOTE: This presumes, you are not afraid of knowing what you really want and you are not afraid of knowing what someone you care about really wants, or at least that you are willing to push beyond those fears.

How do I do both, get what I want and help them get what they want?

Start working on, "What do we want?"

THIS IS IT!----> YOUR RELATIONSHIP.  

THIS IS THE RELATIONSHIP.  The answer to this question is the purpose of your relationship (right now)!

Deep down, we both want to feel safe, secure, and supported as we build our future together.


Some romantic relationships operate on some unspoken or default programming, "I don't know even know why we're together?"  No sense of self and no sense of purpose of the relationship.  

In friendship, the common goal might be as simple as looking for ways to spend more time together or an attempt to become closer as friends. Couples might have the common goal to save money for a trip or the classic baby-making project which both fit with the deeper desire to build together.  Family members might have a common goal to organize a reunion or to help another family member out in a time of need.

Some savvy couples understand just how powerful honoring their individual dreams, being kind and compassionate in supporting each other's dreams, and creating a project together to work on is, so they begin, complete and start one project after another.


Don't stop being a team.  Teams work on something together!

On your path together, there is a definite direction you are headed and there will be conflict because you are not one and the same person, but be brave!  You are doing what people do in good relationships- facing the fears, joys, confusion, and compromise of sharing a journey together with authenticity, kindness, and compassion!


Que Viva Good Relationships!


~Vicky