*Please excuse excessive caps-usage! I must have been very passionate! ~Vicky B. 11-26-10
I dont believe in the traditional notion of "Changing someone else" (but it is EASY to fall back on DEFAULT programming- that happens to all us!)... And this is what Kenya writes about! [You Can Get Yourself the Book - what follows is not a review, but a commentary on my fb page after I posted Kenya K. Stevens link for her fabulous book. A male friend made an innocent comment and I just spilled my thoughts starting from the above statement! -vb]
We should not seek to change others, but we benefit from becoming our best selves (change ourself) and in doing so other people RESPOND- loved ones, partners, friends, family RESPOND (and in EFFECT they change) but it is not BASED on what THEY HAVE TO OR MUST DO for you, BUT what One has must do and has done for themselves.....
This might mean that unhealthy or incompatible relationships FALL AWAY naturally, if said PARTNER cannot RESPOND accordingly to ONE's positive evolving and healthy changes to ONESELF! And why WOULD WE WANT A PARTNER who could not support these positive and healthy changes in US?- We wouldnt!! Altho many people FORCE the issue and want to make PARTNERS change! Make people into who we want them to be... They can't! They have to be themselves!! And we want people who are themselves and who CHOOSE us willingly and NOT thru some CONDITION! You chose this person to begin WITH- not as a PROJECT but as an EQUAL! You GROW together! At least, mature relationships benefit from this paradigm.
We are never done becoming who we are.... We are always BECOMING! And so we continue the work of maintaining this never ending journey of being our best self!!
Now, you have a point about NOT GETTING The GOODS! But the truth of the matter is ANYTHING that happens between a couple is on BOTH people! There was a chain of events that triggered the lessening of the GOODS-GIVING and it had to do with BOTH of them! People will bring up extreme cases to undermine this logic and I have compassion and full understanding for those things that people have experienced but the story is far greater than SHE DID THAT TO ME, HE DID THAT TO ME etc etc! That I say both individuals have accountability for the relationship does not mean that ALL things that take place in the relationship are justifiable and OK.
Anyhoo, point blank- I don't HAVTA HAVE my BOYFRIEND Do anything DIFFERENT (Change MY Man), but in working on the things I can IMPROVE in ME, I will enhance our dynamic as a couple because he cares to RESPOND to the PERSON I AM and Person I'm BECOMING (my likes, needs, wants, dreams)! And I Care to respond to the PERSON he is and person he is BECOMING (his likes, needs, wants, dreams)! And we genuinely WANT for each other's HAPPINESS and We will FIND Ways to ensure that for each other!
hmm did I say too much! ;)